I married into a golfing family. My husband and his family members are avid players and each maintain a low handicap. They play most weekends and I play only a few times per year. One of these few times is at our annual family reunion where family members divide into teams to vie for the competitive “Family Cup Championship.” A few weeks before the family reunion, my husband and his family start their usual competitive talk about THE GAME. At the same time my stress and anxiety levels begin to rise. I never play well in the family game. I actually end up playing worse than usual. I start thinking about the game ahead of time and what my teammates are going to think of me. Expectations are high on both sides and I always feel I don’t live up to them. I feel I disappoint my team members. I also end up feeling disappointed in myself. Each year I tell myself I am going to get better at golf and I do not. My husband and his family expect me to play each year in the championship, therefore I do. How can I manage these feelings of “less than” and “self-disappointment” without declining to play in the game?

You say you never play well in this particular game. Not surprising. When you come to the game stressed-out and anxious, it makes sense you will not play your best. It’s also likely you won’t even play to your average ability. I offer you think about what is happening in your mind and replace the thoughts that are causing you to feel anxiety and stress with thoughts that better serve you.

Your perceived thoughts of what others are thinking of you have taken control of your own thoughts about yourself. When you allow your imagined thoughts about others to affect your thoughts about yourself, you are actually “making up” a story in your head about what others are thinking and using the story against yourself. It is what our human brains sometimes do, unless we can catch on to what is happening and take back control of our thoughts.

In your situation, whenever thoughts that cause you stress, anxiety and self-disappointment begin, I offer you replace them with thoughts that you can believe that give you better feelings.

Here a few examples of possible replacement thoughts:

  • Family members know my golfing skill level and still want me to play with the family.
  • I feel good about myself and everything I contribute to our family reunions.
  • I show up, I play golf, and I enjoy being with family, which is what I expect of myself.
  • I find no reasonable reason to be disappointed in myself.
  • The low handicappers on my team will be more disappointed about their own “bad” shots than mine.
  • Even if someone appears to be disappointed with my golf shots, I will respectfully say to myself, “So what!” Their feelings are their responsibility, not mine.

Replacement thoughts need to be thoughts you can believe for them to be effective. Thoughts you create for yourself may be the most powerful. However, you may want to use any of the above thoughts if they resonate with you and can help you get started on creating your own replacement thoughts.

Off the course
Using replacement thoughts is a mental management skill useful in all life situations. In order for replacement thoughts to be effective, choose thoughts that you can believe. Whenever you notice you are acting, or not taking action, from thoughts and feelings that are not serving you, create a replacement thought that will move you toward the feelings and ultimately the results you want. The invaluable mental skill of becoming aware of and then managing your thoughts for better results takes practice. Managing your mind through replacement thoughts can change your life as well as your golf game.