Last week I played golf after having not played for several months. Before I stopped playing, my usual score was in the low 90s. When I played last week, I did not break 100. I was embarrassed by my level of play during the round. I almost declined joining my partners for lunch because of how I felt. I don’t know if I will play with them again next week because of my play and the feelings of embarrassment I experienced. Other than playing better, is there a way to avoid feelings of embarrassment?

The feeling of embarrassment is caused by what we think others are thinking about us. In your situation, the thoughts moving through your mind might have been, “My partners are wondering what happened to me and my golf game. They are thinking I better take lessons before I play again. They won’t want me to play with them,” and other similar ruminations.

We can never know with certainty what another person is thinking about us, so when we feel embarrassed, we are actually feeling embarrassed based on our own thoughts projected on others.

Eleanor Roosevelt is credited with saying, “You can’t be humiliated without your consent.” Humiliation may feel a little different than embarrassment, however, we can correctly substitute the word embarrassed in Eleanor’s quote.

“You can’t be embarrassed without your consent.”

You are in charge of your thoughts and your thoughts cause your feelings. Whenever you are  experiencing embarrassment, or the threat of embarrassment, try to change your thoughts to thoughts that serve you. When your mind is offering you the feelings of embarrassment, don’t accept the offer. Instead, move your thoughts away from what you think others are thinking to thoughts that support you. For your situation, optional thoughts could be, “It’s normal for golfers who are returning to the game after a lengthy break to experience higher scores. No need to apologize or feel embarrassed. I imagine each of my playing partners has had similar experiences. I imagine they are thinking more about their games than mine. This is turning out to be a practice game for me. I may need to move through some high scoring games to reach my previous low scoring rounds. I can do that. I am having an underwhelming round of golf. So what?”

These are examples. Can you think of other replacement thoughts that could be useful to you?

Embarrassing situations are usually unexpected. However, if you think you might possibly experience such a situation before it happens, you can create believable supportive thoughts ahead of time. For example, let’s imagine you accepted an invitation to give a presentation on golf etiquette at the next luncheon. When you accepted the invitation, it sounded like a good idea. As the luncheon approaches, you start to feel nervous about the possibility of going blank in the middle of your talk. By planning ahead for the potentially embarrassing situation and deciding what you are going to think, do and say in the unlikely event it does happen, you lessen the chance of embarrassment. The more you intentionally practice not feeling embarrassed, the more natural it becomes to avoid it.

Off the course
As most humans have experienced, potentially embarrassing situations can happen anytime and anywhere. Learning to quickly manage our thoughts away from what we think others are thinking, to thoughts that support us, will help ease embarrassment. Psychology Today reports, “One of the best ways to get over embarrassment is to laugh about it. In fact, people who can shrug and laugh off an embarrassing moment are generally viewed as more trustworthy, likable, and sociable.” In addition, when appropriate, making a non-self-deprecating joke about the situation can ease feelings of embarrassment and uncomfortable feelings for everyone.