Recently I was playing a round of golf by myself. I had to wait a few minutes on the seventh hole before I could hit my drive. When I arrived at the eighth hole the threesome was waiting for me at the tee box. Each had finished their drives. I anticipated being asked to join their group for the remainder of the round, especially since I knew one of the players. Instead, to my surprise, they were waiting to invite me to play through. 

I thanked them, hit my drive and drove off.

The remainder of my round was not enjoyable. I would have liked to join them, but since I wasn’t invited, I spent the rest of the round with feelings of rejection. I did not play well. I can still feel the emotion as I write. How can I let go of the feeling?

The feeling of rejection is powerful because it is based on our subconscious human need for safety and security. Our primitive brain’s primary purpose is to keep us safe. Although our brain has evolved over centuries of time, the primitive part of our brain continues to react to perceived dangers, some of which no longer make sense to the evolved human.

In primitive times, safety was increased by being part of a group. People had a better chance of remaining unharmed by predators and other unfamiliar humans by belonging to a group of known companions. One of the most dangerous circumstances for a person was to be rejected and thrown out of the tribe. Your feeling of rejection stems from the subconscious thoughts of “danger” from not being included.

Understanding the reason for the powerful feeling of rejection doesn’t necessarily allow us to feel better, although it may help. Feeling rejected is based on our thoughts that somehow we are not good enough. We may not understand why we are not good enough, but we think if we were good enough, we would not be rejected. Sometimes we make up our own reasons why we are not good enough in trying to make sense of the situation. We create our own feelings of rejection through our thoughts.

In order to allow the feeling to naturally fade, I offer you intentionally change your thoughts about yourself and the situation. You may want to think of believable reasons that support the idea that the rejection was not about you, such as perhaps the threesome was only playing nine holes, perhaps they were wanting to keep their pace going without adding another person, perhaps they were having a pre-planned conversation about business during the round that was personal to them, perhaps they believed you preferred to play as a single. Can you think of other believable reasons it wasn’t about you? Even if it was about you, you cannot know or control other people’s thoughts. As such, you do not want to allow their unknown thoughts to cause you to reject yourself.

An article in Psychology Today (June 2024), succinctly summarizes overcoming rejection, “The rejection doesn’t mean that we aren’t good enough. Don’t take it too personally.”

Off the course
The powerful feeling of rejection can unexpectantly occur in all areas of life. When it does, avoid trying to suppress the feeling. Trying to suppress an unwanted feeling is similar to trying to hold an inflated beach ball underwater. It takes a great deal of effort and the beach ball surfaces again. Allow unwanted feelings to naturally fade away by creating believable replacement thoughts, which are supportive and will better serve you.