I had an experience on the course that I cannot get off my mind.  There is a woman who is new to our club and whom I have been getting to know through our after-golf social hours.  I have enjoyed her company and was pleased to have a chance to play with her and two of my golf friends a couple of weeks ago.

All was well until we were about to get in our respective golf carts.  As we walked toward the carts deciding who would be riding together, our new player surprisingly made a sarcastic-sounding remark about me.  It came across as an intentional “dig.”  I did not respond.  I was speechless.  I thought we had been on our way to becoming future friends.  Fortunately, we did not have to ride together and had minimal conversation during the round.  

I have not been able to let go of my anger toward her since then and it is affecting my time at the course and my golf.  When I see her at the club, I go to great lengths to avoid her.  She, however, appears to be totally comfortable around me as though nothing has happened.  I have decided I do not want to confront her about her remark.  I just want to let go of my negative feelings, but the words stay in my head.  How can I quit thinking about it and return to feeling relaxed and confident when I see her?

The negative feelings you describe will be easier to release once you can believe the remark says more about her than you.

First, however, ask yourself if there is any truth in what she said?  If you realize that perhaps there is a bit of truth in the remark, it can help in making a shift in your feelings.  It gives you a possible reason for her remark.  It doesn’t condone her delivery of the information, but it gives you insight as to how someone else may see you, even if it is an exaggeration.  For example, if she said something like, “Well, with Mary in our group, we won’t need a rules book,” you would want to ask yourself if you are a player who often recites the rules on the course and might sometimes come across to others as annoying.

If you determine there is no truth about you in the remark, then you will know that the remark had nothing to do with you and reflects more on her.

It is also possible she did not intend the remark as a “dig.”  It was said with the intention of humor but did not land that way for you.

It makes sense for you to wonder why she would say something to you with an intentional negative affect.  Who knows?  It doesn’t matter.  We cannot truly know, or control, other people’s thoughts about us.  It only matters if you let it matter in your thoughts.  Again, if her remark was an intentional “dig,” it says more about her than you.

You may find that “being curious” comes in handy when someone is acting in a way that is perplexing.  You may want to respond to the surprising remark by thinking, “Now, that’s curious.  Perhaps something is going on with her.”  Then, change your thoughts away from the situation to thoughts that better serve you.

Another mental strategy that can be helpful is called the “feeling beneath the feeling.”  Often times we use the feeling of anger as a protection against another feeling we do not want to acknowledge. For instance, the feelings we hide beneath anger may be hurt, sadness, shame, guilt, distrust and many others.

When we can recognize and acknowledge to ourselves our true underlying feelings in response to another person’s words, we can more effectively and self-compassionately address the situation with ourselves, instead of depleting our mental energy on literally “blinding” anger.

Off the course

An unexpected disarming remark can come to us from anywhere at any time.  When we learn to question these potentially “angering” thoughts about what we think another person has said, we are better equipped to respond in a way that better serves us.  When we can learn the skills of first looking for any bit of truth in another person’s words, being curious, finding and addressing possible feelings beneath the feelings and employing replacement thoughts we are able to minimize the amount of mental energy we spend carrying around potentially disruptive negative feelings.