If you’re lucky enough to read this from a place where you can golf year-round, you’re probably not dusting your clubs off now, like my fellow Midwesterners and I do each spring. Come April, we’re always chomping at the bit to hit the fairways after a long winter. While we may have played a bit thanks to the influx of simulators in every bar, health club, and basement in the land, playing indoors isn’t the same as golfing outdoors. 

Because of my forced seasonal golf hiatus (can we call it FSGH?), I always approach spring golf with excitement and butterflies, expecting to be as rusty as a five-iron left out in the rain. Perhaps you’ve got some beginning-of-the-season jitters, too. Or maybe you’re going through a rough patch and just need some help getting your mojo back.

Whether you’re reading this at the start of the season or well into it….I’m here to help. However, I won’t tell you Five Ways to Have the Best Round of Your Life as this isn’t my forte. Nope. I’m more of an expert on How to Have a Lousy Round, so let’s focus on that. Your job is to do the opposite of what I say. 

It’s like the Bizarro Seinfeld episode, golf-style. 

Grab your clubs, here’s how to have a lousy round:

  1. Be sure to wait until the last minute to gather your clubs, bag, and outfit. It’s always better to run around like a crazy person right before your tee time.  So, don’t you dare check inside your bag the night before to be sure it’s stocked with balls, tees, etc. Just grab your bag and throw it in your trunk. Oh, and also, wait until a half hour before you leave your house to choose your golf outfit. I bet you’ll look and feel great if it’s wrinkled from being packed away all winter or taken from the bottom of the laundry. Bonus points if you can’t find your shoes and run around the house right before you’re supposed to leave, and in desperation, grab your running shoes – because they’ll work just fine. (Uh- huh, keep telling yourself that in the car.)  Double bonus points if you also can’t find your three-quarter zip and decide at the last minute to “buy one at the club.” Great way to blow $120 on the first day of the season. Right? 
  2. Show up to the course crazed, unprepared, and crabby. You are off to such a great start. Little do you realize the surprise you’re in for on Hole #2 when you discover you have just two balls and a couple of broken tees in your bag. (This is where you thank yourself for “organizing” your bag last season and forgetting to restock it.) But who needs extra balls, anyway? The stranger you’re playing with won’t mind lending one to you. It’s never awkward to show up at the course without balls.

Maybe he or she has a sandwich for you, too, as you’ll be starving since you skimped on lunch, forgot to pack a snack, and left your water bottle in your car. Right on! No worries; you can rely on the cart girl—she always seems to drive by just as you need a drink or are having a low blood sugar moment. You are all set. Plus, as we all know, being flustered and hungry really helps your game. 

  1. Your first tee shot went in the rough, so go ahead and declare the entire round is a bust. After all, one bad shot definitely means you’ve forgotten how to play and you are, in fact, the worst golfer in the world. As you’re walking to your ball, think about how bad the shot was – and let it set the stage for the rest of the round. Also, don’t forget that the best way to recover from a bad shot is to hit the next shot as quickly as possible. So don’t bother addressing the ball; just get to it and swing as hard as possible – don’t they always say, “To recover from a bad shot, really try to kill the ball next time?” 
  1. Wait, is your chipping and putting off, too? Excellent. Now that you’re feeling really bad, you might as well start to worry about your entire life. I mean, why stop with golf? Take things up a notch, and maybe start to think about your unruly teen. Will he get into college? Wait, is he having a party at your house right now? (Bonus points if you think about all of this as you’re putting.) Or maybe your kid’s fine, but you’re convinced you’re on the brink of being fired. Because that’s certainly a reality. Seriously, just let all that spin in your head – concentration is highly overrated in golf, and getting in your head never affects your game.
  1. I can’t believe I forgot to mention it’s your foursome’s fault you’re playing so poorly. That’s it! So, be sure to secretly hate them in your head. And, if one of them has the nerve to give you a tip, a word of encouragement, or even try to change the subject and take the spotlight off your dumpster fire, go ahead and become awkwardly silent and forget that these people are your friends and don’t care about your score. Let your golf funk overtake everything – because if you’re not playing scratch golf, why even bother? Right?

Right.

Wrong!

I know you’re a better bad golfer than me, and you’ll realize that even when the Magic 8 Ball of golf says all signs point towards doom… it’s indeed a great day. 

Because, “HEY! You’re playing golf. You’re outside! You’re with friends!” 

And no matter what happens, there’s always another round, another season, and another chance to do it all again. 

Here’s to a lousy season.