I usually reserve the dark side of my golfing personality for my husband, family, and a few close friends.  Everyone else thinks I’m still living up to my high school title of “Class Sweetheart.” Incidentally, my husband reminds me, “You were Class Sweetheart, not house sweetheart.” And let me tell you, when I’m having a bad day on the course, I’m certainly not “Course Sweetheart.”

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t throw clubs, sulk, or pout.  I don’t wish ill will on those I’m playing with. (I do try to adhere to the spirit and integrity of the game and be on good behavior.)

No, I keep it much classier and mutter things like: “This is the worst game in the world.” “I’m never golfing again.” “WTH, is this my first time out?” Or, I swear like a sailor on a worldwide tour, under my breath (or not) for the duration of the round. When I’m with my peeps, it’s really a site to behold. 

But when I’m playing with people I want (and need) to impress, and play poorly, it’s another story. I can’t retreat to my sailor ways. I do my best to harness my inner Course Sweetheart, which, as we all know, isn’t always easy to do when things aren’t going your way.

Adding to the problem is that more times than not when I’m golfing with others (i.e., those not privy to my dark side), I tend to choke. I’m talking full-on grandma’s favorite butterscotch candy is in your throat give-me-the-Heimlich-CHOKE. And when I start to choke, I work myself up so much that I screw up shots before I even make them. And then I get on a roll. I’ll flub shot after shot until pretty soon, an entire hole is down the tubes. 

Besides the obvious circus, I have another problem – I then need to assume the false identity of a calm, cool, and collected golfer who doesn’t fold under pressure and just smiles away the day like nothing happened. 

Which is really super fun and easy to do.

Right? 

This is why I’ve come up with 7 Hot-Head Proof Ways to Keep Your Cool (and your job, relationship, or reputation) When Your Score is High, Your Moral is Low, and Your Audience is Important:

  1. Have an out-of-body experience. This is one of my favorites. Try to remove yourself from the situation. Don’t focus on your past shot or your next one, don’t worry about the par-5 waiting for you around the bend. Just go someplace else with your thoughts and stumble through the motions as best you can, and forget about the audience that surrounds you.
  2. Kill ’em with small talk and/or your shining personality. This might require some Hollywood techniques and good old Sports Psych 101. I always think I’m not here to audition for the Tour. I’m here to socialize/make friends/get to know colleagues or clients. So, I try to think of fun or interesting things to say that don’t involve my golf game. I also remind myself that my livelihood isn’t dependent on my golf performance (thankfully!), so I need to chill the #insertsailorword down and keep things in perspective.  
  3. Remember that the people you’re playing with are human, too. They screw up just as much as the next person, even if they don’t happen to be screwing up that day. If this doesn’t work and I continue to feel really intimidated, I’ll resort to an old technique I learned on the Brady Bunch when Marcia was nervous about her driver’s test and Jan about being in a school debate. Good ole’ Mike Brady advised them to picture the audience in their underwear – to remind them that their audience is only human. I don’t actually do this on the course, but the concept cracks me up and usually helps.
  4. If appropriate, turn to your fellow players and ask for advice. If I’ve three-putted the last three holes, sometimes I’ll say, “Hey, clearly I’m doing something wrong. Is there anything you can say to help put me out of my misery here?” Or, “So that we’re not out here until the end of time, any idea why my shots keep going left?”
  5. Become a yogi, the Dalai Lama, Bill Murray, or whoever helps you bring things down to earth. I pull out all the stops. Box breathing, anyone? Creative visualization, practice to play, self-hypnosis? Tried ’em all. I do whatever it takes to bring myself out of the mess I’m in and back into the game. 
  6. Focus on the good, not the bad. Even if you’re shanking every single shot and missing every putt, try to find something good about the day. Take a look at your surroundings, and breathe in the fresh air. Maybe compliment your fellow players on their techniques, ask them about their outfits, or what they do in their free time. Anything to take the attention off the negative banter in your head. 
  7. Laugh it off. Either in your head or out loud, try to keep things in perspective and realize it’s a game. It’s not the end of the world. I like to think about retelling my nightmare round to my friends back at home – I’ve found that terrible golf makes for great stories. 

Finally, remember that whatever happens on the course, it’s on the course. Your game is not the determinant of the rest of your life or career, but how you handle yourself might be. This is where I dig up my Class Sweetheart Code and try to have fun, be pleasant, and make it an enjoyable experience for everyone. With that kind of attitude, I know that even if I’m not asked back for another round (which, believe me, in the heat of the moment doesn’t feel like the worst thing in the world), I’ll still end the day knowing I made a good impression and managed to play with integrity.

No matter what the score ends up being, that’s a successful round.