I feel a subtle twinge of guilt whenever I accept an invitation to play golf with friends. Even when I want to play, I sometimes decline because I think I should be doing something more constructive than spending at least half a day on the course. Recently I realized the guilty feelings are accompanying me throughout my round. Sometimes I begin watching the clock and thinking of my “to-do” list and family duties at home. I know these feelings are affecting my game and the time I am spending with my friends. Any advice you may have to quell these distracting feelings would be appreciated.

Many women have feelings of guilt not only when they spend time at the golf course, but whenever they take time for themselves. Often a woman is not even aware of how guilt is affecting her life because guilt has become a background belief in her subconscious. Fortunately you are aware of these feelings and awareness is the first step toward making a change.

One of the definitions of guilt in the Merriam-Webster Dictionary is “the feeling of deserving blame, especially for imagined offenses or from a sense of inadequacy.” As women, we give ourselves an unlimited number of imagined offenses and imagined inadequacies to draw from, based in large part on society’s expectations of us. Being female, we are taught from a young age, through cultural expectations and other experiences, that we should take care of everyone else first, before we take care of ourselves. If we choose to do something just because we want to do it, and we haven’t made sure everyone else is all right with our choice and properly cared for before we do it, we are conditioned to believe other people (and ourselves) will judge us as uncaring or inadequate as a parent, partner, wife, friend, relative or community member.

To help dislodge these feelings of guilt, I offer you deeply question your thought of, “I should be doing something more constructive.” Ask yourself a few clarifying questions, such as:

  • “Is it true that I should be doing something more constructive, especially at this particular time when I have an opportunity to play golf with friends?” “Why?”
  • “Is it true I should not be taking this much time in a day for myself?” “Who says?”
  • “Why do I think I should be doing these “more constructive activities” now, instead of spending time with my friends?” “What do I mean by more constructive?”   “Isn’t taking time for myself constructive?”

Sometimes ingrained beliefs acquired long ago, are no longer true or never were true. It’s good to question them.

By questioning your own thoughts, which are the cause of your guilty feelings, you may realize that you have actually created your own “imagined offenses” and are using them against yourself. Once this realization occurs, you can begin practicing and believing new thoughts that better serve you and allow you to play with more focused attention on your game.

In addition, you may be interested to know the Mayo Clinic Health System publishes a list of tips for keeping our brains healthy as we age, which includes, among others, exercising, staying mentally active, and remaining socially involved. Golf offers all three. There are several other health-related sources that support the mental and physical health benefits of golf, which suggests golf can be regarded as a “constructive” activity. However, whether you view golf as constructive or not, is not the point.

When you want to play golf just because you want to, do it guilt-free by finding and replacing those destructive thoughts with thoughts that support you and allow you to fully enjoy your game with friends. Learning to change your thoughts can change your game and your life.