How do you handle a situation during a round when players disagree on the penalty for a rules infraction, or whether there even is a rules infraction? I know about playing two balls and getting a ruling from the club pro when needed (Rules of Golf, Rule 20.1c (3)), but I am not talking about the actual rules. I am asking about the emotional aftermath of a disagreement when these encounters become intense. These disagreements can leave me feeling tense and unfocused for much of the remainder of the game.

The emotional aftermath of these types of disagreements can have a lingering affect on all players in the group, not just the ones who are directly involved in the dispute. As you noted, there are standard procedures for settling rule-related disagreements, including intervention from a pro, when needed. However, there is no readily available “pro” to help with lingering unwanted feelings stimulated by an intense disagreement. Managing emotions around these situations is completely left to each of us and the mental skills we bring to our game.

The duration and presence of an emotional aftermath of a disagreement will vary with the individual. People who have been raised in a family where vocalizing conflicts is accepted as normal, safe and not uncomfortable will not be affected in the same way as those who have been taught that it is best, or at least more polite, to avoid conflict. In addition, research has shown “Women experience greater anxiety and discomfort from conflict than men and also have a lower tolerance for disagreement. This may be due to socially constructed gender norms. Femininity norms suggest that women are more conflict averse.” (Women in Research, Curtin University; Perth, Australia)

If you are someone who is somewhat uncomfortable around vocalized controversy, you may want to begin by changing your perspective on golf related disagreements. Your lingering emotions about the situation are most likely caused by subconscious thoughts around conflict. As someone who plays golf, you know that conflicting opinions among players will happen from time to time.  When it does, allow the discussion to happen without attaching other personal meanings to the situation. No one is wrong in having a disagreement about a golf penalty. It often serves a beneficial purpose and can be a learning opportunity. One of the gains we receive from golf is learning to better manage our minds and emotions. When we get better at managing our minds for challenging situations in golf, we get better at managing our minds for uncomfortable and challenging situations in life.

Although disagreements can be useful, arguments over a disagreement usually are not. When someone introduces unhelpful drama to the situation, I offer you intentionally manage your mind away from any feelings of discomfort, especially before you set up for your next shot. You can do this by pivoting your thoughts away from the lingering rules discussion and back to your game. It may help you to think of the situation as similar to letting go of a bad hole, one you cannot stop thinking about as you approach the next tee.  Practice intentionally replacing your thoughts about the situation with different thoughts that focus on your next shots. As I wrote in an earlier “Ask Bonnie” column about letting go of a bad hole, you can learn to release your unwanted feelings through replacement thoughts. (For more information on replacement thoughts, refer to the April 15, 2021 “Ask Bonnie” column on this website.)

It takes practice to intentionally manage thoughts and feelings. Your awareness of your unwanted feelings is the first step toward change. When you learn to manage your thoughts, you can move on from emotional discomfort to feelings that better serve you, with better results, in all areas of your life.